Eating for no good reason

Actually, I am currently in the process of trying NOT to eat for no good reason (is that a double negative??).  I did pretty well today but had quite a bit of sushi for dinner. No wine tonight- I decided to pour diet cream soda in a wine glass. I swear it is the act of holding the wine glass that is most comforting sometimes. Not even the actual wine! So I made it through that and even went to my first regular flow yoga class (vs. the restorative yoga) after my broken toe incident back in October, but now I face the real challenge. I ate a solid dinner (sushi) so I am not hungry but really want a bag of skinny pop popcorn. FOR NO GOOD REASON! And maybe some chocolate chips. Again, FOR NO GOOD REASON.

I bought a book called, "50 ways to soothe yourself without food" and have started to read it. Great so far. I am now aware that any emotional eating I do can affect my children and their long term eating habits. Ugh. All the more reason to figure this out. I need to be a good model for them.

2015 is going to be MY year. I need to focus more on me so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I need to model healthier choices. I have a good feeling about 2015, but hopefully that won't change. I remember having a bad/unsettling feeling on New Year's Eve about 2006. I should have known it was going to be a very difficult year. My cat was diagnosed with terminal cancer in February. I lost my kitty soulmate and my grandma within weeks of each other in March/April, then I got pregnant for the very first time in over two years of trying only to find out a week later that I was going to miscarry. A devastating loss. That was July. I was pregnant naturally by some miracle the following month but lost that baby at ~ 7 weeks after much concern about an ectopic pregnancy. A month later I started having horrible anxiety attacks and then found out I had uterine polyps and would need to have surgery to remove them. So I ended the year with a laparoscopy a few days before Xmas. It was one of those years you couldn't wait to say goodbye to. I know there could be other years like that and I dread them. I am just hoping for positive changes in 2015.

Oh, and I was 151.3 lbs this morning. The right direction...

If I don't get a chance to write tomorrow. My wish for anyone and everyone is a happy and healthy new year!!!

A rocky start

Soooo, here I am. I weighed 152.0lbs at midday today. I gained 2lbs over Christmas. I didn't meet any of the short term goals I attempted. And if I am going to be honest, I barely made an attempt:( I don't want to blame my kids, but in all fairness, weight loss is much harder when you have them. Particularly of the toddler variety. Two of them, actually. 16 months apart. This certainly is not baby weight that I am carrying. I wish I could say it was, but no, this is all mine. When I stopped nursing I was suddenly able to eat whatevs I wanted again and between that extra food and not burning the extra 600 calories a day nursing it was a nightmare. I knew it would happen and should have prepared for that but alas, I did not. I try not to get to wrapped up in past events and feel it is not good to beat myself up for too long about them. So now I need to figure out how to get my body back. I just hope it is not too late:( I once gained a ton of weight in college but lost it all when I moved to AZ on my own. The pounds just melted off. I was busy with my new life and I was taking advantage of the year round outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, rollerblading etc., so I know I am capable of losing this weight. I just have different obstacles now. My life is so unbelievably different now it is unrecognizable! Not necessarily in a bad way. Just different. I focused on my health so much when I was trying to get pregnant. Now I am not motivated by the same reasons. I need to figure out my new motivation. Sorry to ramble, I am just trying to work through this writing. Please bear with me!

My new motivation needs to be for me. One of my biggest motivators right now is wanting to see my children grow up. In all honesty, I want to see how they turn out!! I want to be there to guide them through the difficulties in life. Life is so hard. So I suppose that motivation is for me AND them. I want to be able to enjoy my later years (oh my god I feel old as I write that!). I never thought about my older years before. Good health is just so important. It can make all the difference. I realize that diet can be the biggest part of health. I learned that lesson during my 7 year battle with infertility.  I need to make time to eat healthy. It is so hard to feed picky toddlers while trying to cook healthy for yourself, but I need to work on that.

I think I get so overwhelmed with where to start that I don't start at all. I am paralyzed. My brain has ideas but it can't seem to get the message to the rest of my body. I will need to research starting points but I have heard that making small changes can have big effects.

This post in its disjointedness really conveys where I am at with all of this: LOST.

I will start again by doing weigh ins. This time I will make my goals even more short term. My goal for tomorrow will be to track at least some of what I eat. My goal for the next 2 weeks will be to attend one strength training class and/or 2 yoga classes. (I have gone to yoga 1x/week for the past two weeks already so 2 would be an improvement). I really miss my weight classes. I used to be so toned:( I want my muscle back so badly!!!

So anyway, I will try to write more and will start tracking some calories and adding a class at the gym. Any other ideas would gladly be accepted. Would love to hear that someone is reading this- it would increase my accountability!