Actually, I am currently in the process of trying NOT to eat for no good reason (is that a double negative??). I did pretty well today but had quite a bit of sushi for dinner. No wine tonight- I decided to pour diet cream soda in a wine glass. I swear it is the act of holding the wine glass that is most comforting sometimes. Not even the actual wine! So I made it through that and even went to my first regular flow yoga class (vs. the restorative yoga) after my broken toe incident back in October, but now I face the real challenge. I ate a solid dinner (sushi) so I am not hungry but really want a bag of skinny pop popcorn. FOR NO GOOD REASON! And maybe some chocolate chips. Again, FOR NO GOOD REASON.
I bought a book called, "50 ways to soothe yourself without food" and have started to read it. Great so far. I am now aware that any emotional eating I do can affect my children and their long term eating habits. Ugh. All the more reason to figure this out. I need to be a good model for them.
2015 is going to be MY year. I need to focus more on me so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I need to model healthier choices. I have a good feeling about 2015, but hopefully that won't change. I remember having a bad/unsettling feeling on New Year's Eve about 2006. I should have known it was going to be a very difficult year. My cat was diagnosed with terminal cancer in February. I lost my kitty soulmate and my grandma within weeks of each other in March/April, then I got pregnant for the very first time in over two years of trying only to find out a week later that I was going to miscarry. A devastating loss. That was July. I was pregnant naturally by some miracle the following month but lost that baby at ~ 7 weeks after much concern about an ectopic pregnancy. A month later I started having horrible anxiety attacks and then found out I had uterine polyps and would need to have surgery to remove them. So I ended the year with a laparoscopy a few days before Xmas. It was one of those years you couldn't wait to say goodbye to. I know there could be other years like that and I dread them. I am just hoping for positive changes in 2015.
Oh, and I was 151.3 lbs this morning. The right direction...
If I don't get a chance to write tomorrow. My wish for anyone and everyone is a happy and healthy new year!!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
A rocky start
Soooo, here I am. I weighed 152.0lbs at midday today. I gained 2lbs over Christmas. I didn't meet any of the short term goals I attempted. And if I am going to be honest, I barely made an attempt:( I don't want to blame my kids, but in all fairness, weight loss is much harder when you have them. Particularly of the toddler variety. Two of them, actually. 16 months apart. This certainly is not baby weight that I am carrying. I wish I could say it was, but no, this is all mine. When I stopped nursing I was suddenly able to eat whatevs I wanted again and between that extra food and not burning the extra 600 calories a day nursing it was a nightmare. I knew it would happen and should have prepared for that but alas, I did not. I try not to get to wrapped up in past events and feel it is not good to beat myself up for too long about them. So now I need to figure out how to get my body back. I just hope it is not too late:( I once gained a ton of weight in college but lost it all when I moved to AZ on my own. The pounds just melted off. I was busy with my new life and I was taking advantage of the year round outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, rollerblading etc., so I know I am capable of losing this weight. I just have different obstacles now. My life is so unbelievably different now it is unrecognizable! Not necessarily in a bad way. Just different. I focused on my health so much when I was trying to get pregnant. Now I am not motivated by the same reasons. I need to figure out my new motivation. Sorry to ramble, I am just trying to work through this writing. Please bear with me!
My new motivation needs to be for me. One of my biggest motivators right now is wanting to see my children grow up. In all honesty, I want to see how they turn out!! I want to be there to guide them through the difficulties in life. Life is so hard. So I suppose that motivation is for me AND them. I want to be able to enjoy my later years (oh my god I feel old as I write that!). I never thought about my older years before. Good health is just so important. It can make all the difference. I realize that diet can be the biggest part of health. I learned that lesson during my 7 year battle with infertility. I need to make time to eat healthy. It is so hard to feed picky toddlers while trying to cook healthy for yourself, but I need to work on that.
I think I get so overwhelmed with where to start that I don't start at all. I am paralyzed. My brain has ideas but it can't seem to get the message to the rest of my body. I will need to research starting points but I have heard that making small changes can have big effects.
This post in its disjointedness really conveys where I am at with all of this: LOST.
I will start again by doing weigh ins. This time I will make my goals even more short term. My goal for tomorrow will be to track at least some of what I eat. My goal for the next 2 weeks will be to attend one strength training class and/or 2 yoga classes. (I have gone to yoga 1x/week for the past two weeks already so 2 would be an improvement). I really miss my weight classes. I used to be so toned:( I want my muscle back so badly!!!
So anyway, I will try to write more and will start tracking some calories and adding a class at the gym. Any other ideas would gladly be accepted. Would love to hear that someone is reading this- it would increase my accountability!
My new motivation needs to be for me. One of my biggest motivators right now is wanting to see my children grow up. In all honesty, I want to see how they turn out!! I want to be there to guide them through the difficulties in life. Life is so hard. So I suppose that motivation is for me AND them. I want to be able to enjoy my later years (oh my god I feel old as I write that!). I never thought about my older years before. Good health is just so important. It can make all the difference. I realize that diet can be the biggest part of health. I learned that lesson during my 7 year battle with infertility. I need to make time to eat healthy. It is so hard to feed picky toddlers while trying to cook healthy for yourself, but I need to work on that.
I think I get so overwhelmed with where to start that I don't start at all. I am paralyzed. My brain has ideas but it can't seem to get the message to the rest of my body. I will need to research starting points but I have heard that making small changes can have big effects.
This post in its disjointedness really conveys where I am at with all of this: LOST.
I will start again by doing weigh ins. This time I will make my goals even more short term. My goal for tomorrow will be to track at least some of what I eat. My goal for the next 2 weeks will be to attend one strength training class and/or 2 yoga classes. (I have gone to yoga 1x/week for the past two weeks already so 2 would be an improvement). I really miss my weight classes. I used to be so toned:( I want my muscle back so badly!!!
So anyway, I will try to write more and will start tracking some calories and adding a class at the gym. Any other ideas would gladly be accepted. Would love to hear that someone is reading this- it would increase my accountability!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Quick observations...
Today: 150.8 (yikes)
Going to have to do bullet points due to lack of time!
-got 3 cups water (+ some tea!)
-walked the kids around a shopping center (better than no activity, but not 30 minutes)
-halfway done with MFP tracking for the day, will finish in a minute
* alcohol causes me to justify eating more
* Eating while doing ANYTHING else causes me to eat more
* food is the first thing that pops into my head when I am anxious. I don't remember having been an emotional eater except for college. I feel like I did better for a long time. Need to revisit this.
* Having 2 toddlers makes me eat (and drink!!!)
* I ordered a book online to help find other ways to soothe myself besides eating
All for now... Going to try to get some sleep tonight!!!
Going to have to do bullet points due to lack of time!
-got 3 cups water (+ some tea!)
-walked the kids around a shopping center (better than no activity, but not 30 minutes)
-halfway done with MFP tracking for the day, will finish in a minute
* alcohol causes me to justify eating more
* Eating while doing ANYTHING else causes me to eat more
* food is the first thing that pops into my head when I am anxious. I don't remember having been an emotional eater except for college. I feel like I did better for a long time. Need to revisit this.
* Having 2 toddlers makes me eat (and drink!!!)
* I ordered a book online to help find other ways to soothe myself besides eating
All for now... Going to try to get some sleep tonight!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Goals
Coming up with goals is hard because there is so much work to be done:( So here goes:
My I.EP. (Individualized Eating (and activity) Plan)
LONG TERM GOAL:
By March 20, 2015, I will weigh 135lbs (or less) and decrease my body fat percentage to less than 30%.
SHORT TERM GOALS (first 4 weeks)
During the first four weeks:
-I will increase my water intake from 0 to 4 cups daily.
-I will track my calories on MFP daily
-I will increase my activity level by doing one or more of the following activities 3x per week: yoga (class or tape), walk 30 minutes, fitness tape or gym for weight training.
That seems reasonable (almost lofty) for my current position, but I can do it!
Today I weighed: 150.2 (ack!!!)
Note to self: learn more about emotional eating
My I.EP. (Individualized Eating (and activity) Plan)
LONG TERM GOAL:
By March 20, 2015, I will weigh 135lbs (or less) and decrease my body fat percentage to less than 30%.
SHORT TERM GOALS (first 4 weeks)
During the first four weeks:
-I will increase my water intake from 0 to 4 cups daily.
-I will track my calories on MFP daily
-I will increase my activity level by doing one or more of the following activities 3x per week: yoga (class or tape), walk 30 minutes, fitness tape or gym for weight training.
That seems reasonable (almost lofty) for my current position, but I can do it!
Today I weighed: 150.2 (ack!!!)
Note to self: learn more about emotional eating
Friday, November 28, 2014
Weigh in
Yep, there was that number. 150.8. Still technically at that last number but barely!! My body fat percentage said 34.5 or 35.4. (Can't remember which-must be my age!).
So, I wouldn't call Thanksgiving an "epic" fail, but I did eat a lot, including 2 pieces of pie and 3 glasses of wine. I need to have a plan before going to other people's houses. I could have said no to the larger piece of pie and taken a smaller one or had a glass of water. I was proud of the fact that I picked up a crescent roll (my fave- but also contains gluten, which I am very sensitive to) when we got home and then decided I was full and was just going to eat for the sake of eating. Then, I didn't even finish my glass of wine! There was no purpose in finishing it. I was tired and full and my liver doesn't need that.
Then, when my 2 year old daughter woke up crying at 4am because she was hungry (even after 3 pieces of pumpkin pie!) I got her a snack but not eat anything myself. Normally I would eat something whenever I get up at night. Not really sure why I do that. I need to think about that. I have often snacked after bedtime and I don't know why. Often it is chocolate or cookies. Having kids now means I have a few more snack type foods around the house- not a good thing.
So, today I plan to up my water intake and drink at least 2 8 oz glasses (I don't like water, so that is a lofty goal!) and I will monitor my feelings as I reach for food and pay more attention today to that. I need to make a list of things I can do to distract myself when I am not hungry.
So, for a little back story without going in to too much detail, I grew up in the Midwest and was never a overweight even as a child. I had more of a muscular build which took me a long time to accept- particularly with my thighs. I always hated having bigger thighs, but looking back in pictures of when I was in shape they looked nice and strong and toned. I really miss looking toned. Anyway, I did gain a lot of weight in college from not eating right and drinking a ton of alcohol. I quickly lost some of the weight after moving back in with my parents for a semester after graduating from college. Then I moved out of state to attend graduate school. I lost even more weight and looked great until I started fertility treatments. I yo-yo'd a little more during that time, but nothing too crazy. I NEVER went over 140 pounds at any point until I was very pregnant with my son. It took 7 very long years to have him with several miscarriages while waiting. It was a truly horrific time in my life. Luckily my husband was very supportive during that time. I was at a good weight 7 months after having my son, which is when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Such an amazing surprise! I was thin during both pregnancies. I only gained 18 lbs with my son and about 25 with my daughter. I was terrified to eat anything I was allergic to for fear of killing them in utero after having so many miscarriages. So sad:( After having my daughter I had a lot of stress. My son was showing several signs of autism and my husband is a pilot so he is often away. My daughter had severe reflux and allergies so I had to breast feed. I exclusively pumped once I went back to work at 8 weeks. I had to do that for 16 months!! I could basically eat quinoa, safflower oil and asparagus during that time. I lost soooo much weight. I actually felt great but then started to become too thin. I didn't look good and many people made comments. I dreaded becoming fat after I stopped nursing but the combination of not burning 600+ calories a day nursing and being able to eat anything I wanted was a recipe for disaster. I couldn't believe how quickly I gained the weight:( I didn't realize how awful I looked until I saw myself in pictures. That is what has led me to this blog. I need to be a healthy role model for my kids and am also terrified of the idea of not seeing them grow up. I love them so much that I just want to be with them forever. It must be so hard for grandparents knowing that they may not see their grandchildren grow into adulthood:( So my main reasons to lose weight are to look better, be a better role model and be healthy for my children. I was officially diagnosed with Hashimotos- an autoimmune thyroid disorder- in June and it was very hard to hear. I started going to a yoga class the next day and was loving it but then a month ago I broke my big toe:( not good for yoga:( I can finally walk again and the weather is beautiful so I need to incorporate walking daily into my routine. I plan to get back toga within the next two weeks. Am trying to fully heal my toe so I don't injure it further and set myself back. I do need to add weight training into my routine again. I get sick quickly if I even push myself a little so I can't do my old workout routine:(
So, anyway, for today I will drink at least 2 8 oz glasses of water and monitor WHY I am reaching for food. I will be weighing myself daily and will try to record it daily but I will have Fridat be my weekly weigh in at the bare minimum. I think doing it daily may help keep me on track. We will see.
I can do this!
So, I wouldn't call Thanksgiving an "epic" fail, but I did eat a lot, including 2 pieces of pie and 3 glasses of wine. I need to have a plan before going to other people's houses. I could have said no to the larger piece of pie and taken a smaller one or had a glass of water. I was proud of the fact that I picked up a crescent roll (my fave- but also contains gluten, which I am very sensitive to) when we got home and then decided I was full and was just going to eat for the sake of eating. Then, I didn't even finish my glass of wine! There was no purpose in finishing it. I was tired and full and my liver doesn't need that.
Then, when my 2 year old daughter woke up crying at 4am because she was hungry (even after 3 pieces of pumpkin pie!) I got her a snack but not eat anything myself. Normally I would eat something whenever I get up at night. Not really sure why I do that. I need to think about that. I have often snacked after bedtime and I don't know why. Often it is chocolate or cookies. Having kids now means I have a few more snack type foods around the house- not a good thing.
So, today I plan to up my water intake and drink at least 2 8 oz glasses (I don't like water, so that is a lofty goal!) and I will monitor my feelings as I reach for food and pay more attention today to that. I need to make a list of things I can do to distract myself when I am not hungry.
So, for a little back story without going in to too much detail, I grew up in the Midwest and was never a overweight even as a child. I had more of a muscular build which took me a long time to accept- particularly with my thighs. I always hated having bigger thighs, but looking back in pictures of when I was in shape they looked nice and strong and toned. I really miss looking toned. Anyway, I did gain a lot of weight in college from not eating right and drinking a ton of alcohol. I quickly lost some of the weight after moving back in with my parents for a semester after graduating from college. Then I moved out of state to attend graduate school. I lost even more weight and looked great until I started fertility treatments. I yo-yo'd a little more during that time, but nothing too crazy. I NEVER went over 140 pounds at any point until I was very pregnant with my son. It took 7 very long years to have him with several miscarriages while waiting. It was a truly horrific time in my life. Luckily my husband was very supportive during that time. I was at a good weight 7 months after having my son, which is when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Such an amazing surprise! I was thin during both pregnancies. I only gained 18 lbs with my son and about 25 with my daughter. I was terrified to eat anything I was allergic to for fear of killing them in utero after having so many miscarriages. So sad:( After having my daughter I had a lot of stress. My son was showing several signs of autism and my husband is a pilot so he is often away. My daughter had severe reflux and allergies so I had to breast feed. I exclusively pumped once I went back to work at 8 weeks. I had to do that for 16 months!! I could basically eat quinoa, safflower oil and asparagus during that time. I lost soooo much weight. I actually felt great but then started to become too thin. I didn't look good and many people made comments. I dreaded becoming fat after I stopped nursing but the combination of not burning 600+ calories a day nursing and being able to eat anything I wanted was a recipe for disaster. I couldn't believe how quickly I gained the weight:( I didn't realize how awful I looked until I saw myself in pictures. That is what has led me to this blog. I need to be a healthy role model for my kids and am also terrified of the idea of not seeing them grow up. I love them so much that I just want to be with them forever. It must be so hard for grandparents knowing that they may not see their grandchildren grow into adulthood:( So my main reasons to lose weight are to look better, be a better role model and be healthy for my children. I was officially diagnosed with Hashimotos- an autoimmune thyroid disorder- in June and it was very hard to hear. I started going to a yoga class the next day and was loving it but then a month ago I broke my big toe:( not good for yoga:( I can finally walk again and the weather is beautiful so I need to incorporate walking daily into my routine. I plan to get back toga within the next two weeks. Am trying to fully heal my toe so I don't injure it further and set myself back. I do need to add weight training into my routine again. I get sick quickly if I even push myself a little so I can't do my old workout routine:(
So, anyway, for today I will drink at least 2 8 oz glasses of water and monitor WHY I am reaching for food. I will be weighing myself daily and will try to record it daily but I will have Fridat be my weekly weigh in at the bare minimum. I think doing it daily may help keep me on track. We will see.
I can do this!
Thursday, November 27, 2014
The day has arrived
Here I am. After surviving a horrific journey through infertility I am the lucky mom to not just one, but (miraculously) TWO little ones. This was no small feat and I will always carry the scars of that time with me. Interestingly, even though I was very anxious and depressed during that time I really focused on taking care of myself and doing everything in my power to stay sane. I treated myself with such care. I worked out regularly, ate healthy, got massages etc. Now, I am so busy I put myself pretty much last. This needs to change and that is why I am starting this blog. I need to focus and feel more accountable and I think that writing in this space will help me. Every time I have been through a rough patch writing has saved me. While this is not a major rough patch, it is a rough patch nonetheless. I am at my highest weight since college and I don't want the number on the scale to go higher. I am in the worst shape I have ever been in.
Does anyone else see the irony in the date of this post?? Yes, it is Thanksgiving. The day of the year we eat. A lot. While I could just say "screw it, the holiday season is no time to start eating healthy," I am trying to live in the moment. Things could be pretty bad by January at the rate I am going so I think there is no better time than the present.
I am not sure if it is my age (42), getting the official diagnosis of Hashimoto's or the fact that I want to be around to see how my kids turn out!! I think it is likely a combination of all three. I have gained 30 lbs in the past year. That might be it!
I was at my smallest, albeit not healthiest, when breast feeding my daughter a year ago. She had major food allergies. I could basically only eat quinoa and asparagus with safflower oil. I lost all of the baby weight and then some. It was great! When I decided to stop breast feeding last November, it was hard because I was finally able to eat everything I loved again. The first 20lbs came on within a couple of months. The last 10 have been more gradual. You know that number on the scale that is THE number? Yes, the one that you are scared to go over, the point of no return. That one. I have stayed at that number for a few weeks, dangerously flirting with one tenth of a number over and it freaks me out!
I need a plan. I don't know much about how to make that plan but I am going to do SOMETHING. I have to. It will have to be a multiple step plan.
STEP 1: Acknowledge that I am over my normal weight by a good 15-20 pounds (I didn't really need to lose that last 10 while nursing-I looked emaciated which is not the look I am going for) and acknowledge that what I am currently doing is NOT working.
STEP 2: List out what I should doing-areas to target-not all at once. Here goes (not in order of importance)
1. Eat smaller portions
2. Eat less sugar
3. Do more yoga
4. Start weight training again
5. Drink more water
6. Take vitamins
7. Consult with hematologist re: MTHFR gene mutation and my super high homocysteine levels
8. Get more sleep
9. Decrease time spent on Internet (with the exception of this blog)
10. Find more work-life balance
11. Decrease stress levels
Clearly losing weight is not just about eating less. There are so many factors involved (sleep, stress etc). So I guess I will be writing about some of that.
So, where do I start??? Sometimes the sheer magnitude of the work to be done paralyzes me.
I will start by weighing myself first thing tomorrow and posting results. Yes, the day after Thanksgiving!! Ack. Who DOES that.. I should probably take some measurements too. Can't know where you are going until you know where you are...
I will have to have one long term goal along with several short term goals. I am a speech language pathologist so I am familiar with writing long and short term goals. We don't actually specify long term goals any more. We write the goal and then work toward that in baby steps. I will need to break this down similarly.
I can do this.
See you tomorrow with my first official weigh in. At that time I will write some specific goals.
Does anyone else see the irony in the date of this post?? Yes, it is Thanksgiving. The day of the year we eat. A lot. While I could just say "screw it, the holiday season is no time to start eating healthy," I am trying to live in the moment. Things could be pretty bad by January at the rate I am going so I think there is no better time than the present.
I am not sure if it is my age (42), getting the official diagnosis of Hashimoto's or the fact that I want to be around to see how my kids turn out!! I think it is likely a combination of all three. I have gained 30 lbs in the past year. That might be it!
I was at my smallest, albeit not healthiest, when breast feeding my daughter a year ago. She had major food allergies. I could basically only eat quinoa and asparagus with safflower oil. I lost all of the baby weight and then some. It was great! When I decided to stop breast feeding last November, it was hard because I was finally able to eat everything I loved again. The first 20lbs came on within a couple of months. The last 10 have been more gradual. You know that number on the scale that is THE number? Yes, the one that you are scared to go over, the point of no return. That one. I have stayed at that number for a few weeks, dangerously flirting with one tenth of a number over and it freaks me out!
I need a plan. I don't know much about how to make that plan but I am going to do SOMETHING. I have to. It will have to be a multiple step plan.
STEP 1: Acknowledge that I am over my normal weight by a good 15-20 pounds (I didn't really need to lose that last 10 while nursing-I looked emaciated which is not the look I am going for) and acknowledge that what I am currently doing is NOT working.
STEP 2: List out what I should doing-areas to target-not all at once. Here goes (not in order of importance)
1. Eat smaller portions
2. Eat less sugar
3. Do more yoga
4. Start weight training again
5. Drink more water
6. Take vitamins
7. Consult with hematologist re: MTHFR gene mutation and my super high homocysteine levels
8. Get more sleep
9. Decrease time spent on Internet (with the exception of this blog)
10. Find more work-life balance
11. Decrease stress levels
Clearly losing weight is not just about eating less. There are so many factors involved (sleep, stress etc). So I guess I will be writing about some of that.
So, where do I start??? Sometimes the sheer magnitude of the work to be done paralyzes me.
I will start by weighing myself first thing tomorrow and posting results. Yes, the day after Thanksgiving!! Ack. Who DOES that.. I should probably take some measurements too. Can't know where you are going until you know where you are...
I will have to have one long term goal along with several short term goals. I am a speech language pathologist so I am familiar with writing long and short term goals. We don't actually specify long term goals any more. We write the goal and then work toward that in baby steps. I will need to break this down similarly.
I can do this.
See you tomorrow with my first official weigh in. At that time I will write some specific goals.
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